Raising Victorious Children

Victorious children are kids who live happy, healthy, loving, and cooperative lives, kids who enjoy learning and exploration, kids who embrace the future. They don't get that way by themselves. Each one of us who comes into their orbit has an opportunity to inspire them to victory.

Researchers have discovered that one of the most critical times for intervention is during the first five years of life. During those years, babies and children are still growing rapidly in body and mind. There is rapid growth of the brain-literal and figurative-as a child interacts with his environment. During these early years, we are laying the foundations for learning and healthy emotional growth.

Millions of black children have achieved at the highest levels in all occupations and professions, and millions of parents and caregivers have made their success possible.

Guion Bluford was born in Philadelphia in 1942 and had an early interest in model planes, which his parents encouraged. At Penn State, Guion moved from model planes to aerospace engineering, testing himself against the best. Not easily contented, he went on to get his PhD in aerospace engineering with a minor in laser physics.

An Eagle Scout as a boy, Guion really took off in the United States Air Force. He flew 144 combat missions, many of them over Vietnam, but he was still just testing his wings. In 1979 he joined NASA as an astronaut, and in 1983 he flew the first of his four missions into space. In 1997, Guion was elected to the International Space Hall of Fame. "Don't be afraid to learn," he tells young people, "and don't be afraid to explore."

People like Guion Bluford should not be the exception. All black parents can do right by their children, and all black children can succeed. There is no reason why not.

In the home every day, parents can help their children develop. Children have an innate desire to learn about their world and environment, and they need a coach, a guide.

Caring for infants and children can be taxing at times, but it is also full of many pleasures and emotional rewards. This is revealed frequently when you ask a mother or father how their young child is and they say, "He [or she] is such a joy!"

Life Lessons

We hope more black parents can someday say the same. Those who do say those words understand that with enough hard work this "bundle of joy" will blossom into a treasure for life.

Kids need to be told that they have the potential for genius in one field or another; they just have to go out and find it. They have to stop believing that they "can't do it" and be reminded often that, yes, they can. Those of us who care, parents especially, have to take time to help our children develop this self-belief. These are our kids, and this is our future. There is no guarantee. But the chance for success is far better if we try than if we just let our kids get their education in the street.

Some Good Ways to Discipline Children

Children require structure and predictable rules. Above all, they require attention. Back in the day, parents bothered their children when they came home from school. Some parents may not have known how to do long division. They may not have known how to write or how to construct a business letter. But they knew how to prod their children because they wanted them to be something.

Parents back then might have said, "Well, what did you do today in geometry?" They may have thought isosceles was a guy from the Bible and that a hypotenuse was a big ugly animal in Africa, but they knew their kids. They would make us go upstairs, get the book, bring it down, sit with them, and go over it. And even if they didn't understand, they'd pretend to. They pretended to because they knew kids needed an education. That need hasn't changed.

Share your experience.
A wise parent or caregiver shares her wisdom. She tells children about useful social skills as well as about the need to be responsible and orderly. A child who is disciplined will be more obedient and also more organized as a student. He'll do better in school and in life. Of course he will!

Educate your children.
Good discipline is key to supporting the learning and education that our children need. Kids do better academically and are less likely to drop out if they take more responsibility for their school success. Self-disciplined people are more likely to succeed at whatever they do.

Distinguish discipline from punishment.
This is not just a word game. Discipline and punishment really are different things. Discipline may include punishment but aims for a much higher goal. Discipline includes other ways to shape a child's behavior for the long term, not just for the short term. The aim of good discipline is to teach children self-control and the difference between right and wrong, which becomes part of their inner character. Behave the way you want your children to behave.

Children learn discipline in ways that parents need to be aware of. For instance, children will learn right and wrong by watching what their parents do. If parents lie, the kids will. If parents use racial slurs, so will the kids. If parents use violence at home, the kids will use it in the streets-the same with alcohol and drug abuse and cigarettes. This stuff starts early. We know a kid whose first words were "lousy bum," and he used them-echoing his old man-to address an Eagles wide receiver who dropped the ball in the end zone.

You parents and caregivers who don't want the kids to do these things, don't do them yourselves. That's the first step. If you have other bad habits, like being sloppy or late, don't expect the kids to be neat or on time. You can say, "Do what I say, not what I do" all you want, but when you turn your head, the kids will do what you do. Actions speak louder than words. Whatever behaviors and attitudes you want for the children, you'd better model them in your life.

Tone down your language.
As a parent or caregiver you should consider the language you use within the four walls of your home. Curb the yelling and the angry tone. For instance, imagine yourself at dinner. Listen to yourself say, "Pass the bread." Then ask yourself, How am I saying it? Do I sound like a parent who cares? Or do I sound like a prison guard? Your kids can tell the difference.

Listen to your children.
Think about sitting down with the children in your charge and asking them-with a smile and a relaxed expression-the very simple question, "What makes you happy?" They'll be glad to answer that. And ask, "What makes you sad?" Don't even get into anger. Just ask, "What makes you sad?" And then you can deal with it from there. Try that every day, just talking to the children.

Reward good behavior.
The best kind of reward is praise. If a child usually makes a mess at the table, praise her when she doesn't make a mess. And make sure she helps to clean up the mess she does make. In this way, you are helping to reinforce the behaviors in your child that you want to continue. Make the punishment fit the crime.

Penalties help, but they should not be excessive and should be linked with the misbehavior that you are attempting to modify. For instance, if your kid is not getting enough sleep because she is staying up too late, the penalty could be an earlier bedtime. The reward could be a compliment when she wakes up refreshed in the morning and looking like a million bucks.

Set limits wisely.
Children need limits set by parents or caregivers, often to protect them. You can't let your kid run out into the street where he might get smacked by a car. You restrain him and say very firmly, "No, no-dangerous. You can get hit by a car!" There is no need to spank. You took the time to explain, and you were firm. With repetition, the child will get the message and learn not to run into the street.

Setting limits also involves setting rules that children are expected to follow. Tell them that dirty clothes go in the hamper, garbage goes in the trash, food goes nowhere near the bedroom, and adults are to be respected, not talked back to.

Let older children set their own rules.
To a point, of course, it's helpful to let older children help set the rules. This is particularly true for teenagers. Kids can even help determine what the penalty should be when they break a rule, such as curfew. You have the final say, but at the same time it helps children to participate in setting household rules.

Be consistent.
Children need to know what you expect from them by the limits you set. And you must be consistent. If there is no TV on school nights, there is no TV on school nights. Period. Stick to these rules no matter how loudly kids whine. If you let them change your mind by throwing a fit, they have won a victory that is not good for them or for you. In fact, you will have validated the outburst by giving in. Sometimes adults cave in because they feel the children won't love them if they don't. But, in the long term, children will love and respect adults more if they are consistent. And remember, consistency doesn't mean being rigid when you realize circumstances have changed.

State the rules positively.
Parents and caregivers should put a positive spin on rules. For instance, "Please put dirty clothes in the hamper" works better than "Don't throw your dirty clothes on the floor." "Treat family with respect" is more useful than "Don't smack your little sister." Too many "Thou Shall Nots" encourages some children to defy authority or express anger. Even with the positive tone, you still have to be firm and consistent.

Give children choices.
You can also discipline children by giving them choices. Do they want to take a bath before or after dinner? When the kids choose the time, they have made a commitment to take a bath, which is what counts. Do they want to wear the black pants or the green pants to church? They get the choice, but you have just told them they are not wearing jeans. Likewise, you can let them choose from a variety of foods as long as the choices are all good ones. Children who are given choices feel respected. They are also learning independence, which becomes especially important during adolescence. Children who are allowed to make small choices at young ages are better prepared to deal with the larger choices when not so young.

With proper discipline at home, kids behave well when they are away from home and out of sight of their parents or caregivers. Disciplined kids are less likely to disrupt the classroom or bully and intimidate other kids. Your self-disciplined child is someone you can count on to take responsibility for what he does and is less likely to do what others want him to.

Disciplined children know the difference between right and wrong and are less likely to go wrong, and today there are a whole lot of ways to get there-illicit drug and alcohol abuse, premature sexuality, violence. You name it, someone is doing it. But it doesn't have to be your kid.

Getting the Community Involved

Here is a tough question for you: What do we have to do to get that extended family back again? We see its absence particularly in cities where so many black families feel isolated and alone in their own neighborhoods. Unfortunately, the places where African Americans have historically gathered, like church and school, don't pull people together the way they did in the past.

Still, churches, schools, settlement houses, and other agencies do exist and do have a lot to offer, but they have to be more proactive today in reaching out to parents, including fathers. Young parents have lost touch with these institutions and are often shy about reaching out on their own. They could benefit from programs in which they spend time with other parents. They would not feel so isolated, so alone, so alienated. We believe that knowing effective parenting skills is so important for our children's well-being that all students should have required courses in parenting and child development in middle and high schools.

New parents often look for information and advice from other parents. We have to think of new ways to form groups of parents helping parents. Groups like Effective Black Parenting and Parents Anonymous-for parents who need help in maintaining their self-control and improving their parenting skills-are helpful. Black mothers, fathers, grandparents, teachers, and other caregivers should search out such programs in their communities. The costs of isolation and alienation are much too high.

Stanley "Tookie" Williams looked back upon his early years in Louisiana as a kind of paradise lost. His grandmother was a sweet, kind, Christian lady who shared her love and warmth with all sixteen of her children. His grandfather was a strong, loving man who worked tirelessly on the railroad to support the children. Williams remembered the church they went to as being alive with music and spirit. His grandma's food was "heavenly" too, particularly the sweet potato pie and cornbread.

This natural community helped compensate for the lack of a father in Tookie's life. His father had abandoned the family before Tookie's first birthday. Looking for opportunity and a fresh start, his mom uprooted him when he was six and brought him to Los Angeles. There they had all the freedom they wanted, but none of the community. That was gone forever.

Life Lessons

Without a community's roots to hold him, Tookie went as far wrong as a boy could. Needing family, Tookie found it in building the Crips, a violent gang that has spread throughout the United States and South Africa. After being convicted of murder, he was placed on death row. In prison, Tookie changed his perspective from that of a gangbanger to a voice against violence, including writing a book series for young people to prevent their gang involvement. On December 13, 2005, the state of California executed Stanley "Tookie" Williams. This tragedy did not have to happen.

Raising children is a tough job. It not only takes a village, but it also takes a village that actually cares. That means a lot of hands-on work from us all. We need to remind new parents that they are the ones who are going to build confidence in their child, that it is their job as a parent to build protection for their child. That's not to say that they should wrap the kid up in some kind of cocoon and screen out the world. No, we mean a protection that involves the parents being fully in their child's world.

Parents should know everything about their children. Kids express themselves with what's posted on their bedroom walls, with what's written on their clothing, with what's hidden under their beds, with what's on their minds or in their hearts. We all should pay attention. If parents and caregivers can't protect kids when they need it, the kids will likely never have confidence in their parents or caregivers or in themselves.

Young parents can learn from example, good and bad. We need to remind them to observe the things that they see their friends do with their children, the good things that work and the not-so-good things that don't. These observations will help them adjust what they are doing to protect their own children.

The need to support parents and children has to be high on all of our agendas. Black organizations, sororities, fraternities, and local programs- including Boys and Girls Clubs of America, and Big Brothers Big Sisters-have provided greatly needed child mentoring programs in black neighborhoods.

Many of these mentors have made a world of difference in the lives of black children. This is also a way of linking successful adults with struggling young people. These kids need real, honest-to-goodness role models, not the thugs, pimps, and drug dealers they see on TV or even on their own streets.

Remember, good mentors do not have to have a college education. People who simply want to help children make good mentors. Mentoring is an important step in building broader kinship bonds in the community.

Ways to Build Strong Bodies and Minds

In the past, many parents believed infants just needed to eat, sleep, and be kept clean and they would develop well enough. This is not the case any longer and never really was. Children need to experience life and interact with others to grow into healthy human beings.

Many African-American parents have done the right things-intuitively perhaps-to raise successful and emotionally secure children. The following are some thoughts on giving your kids an even better start in life:

Get the little ones off the couch.
Today, too many children have the animated guys on their Playstation do all the physical activity for them. This does not help them stay healthy and slim. It doesn't do much for their minds either. Get the kids out for a walk or a bike ride. Play catch with them. Take them to the playground. Get them involved in organized sports-but not at the expense of school or family time.

Don't overfeed your children.
Three out of four children who are obese at thirteen will be obese all their lives. Overweight kids develop health risks-and serious self-esteem issues-so be careful not to overfeed a child, particularly with highcalorie, high-fat, high-sugar foods. When they ask for a Baby Ruth, hand them a baby carrot. We could write a book on this alone.

Serve good food.
As the children get older, introduce them to healthy meals with nonfried food, whole grains, lean meat, fish, chicken, and lots of fruits and vegetables. Too many of our kids have developed a junk food habit. We like pizza and macaroni and cheese as much as the next guy, but these should not become the main staple of your meals. Follow the advice about nutrition given by your doctor, nurse, or nutritionist.

Eat dinner as a family (and turn off the TV).
Eating together does a lot of good things at once. You get to catch up with what your kids are doing. You get to share your parental wisdom. You get to teach them some table manners, and you get to control what they eat.

Speak Standard English.
Use Standard English when you have your kids together, not Black English. They'll hear enough of that in the streets. Pediatricians insist that it is important to assist language development at every opportunity.

Work on your own language skills.
You should check out your own speech. This book is written in Standard English. If you don't understand what Standard English is, reading aloud to your children can help you learn. Or watch the news and pay attention to the difference between the way they speak and the way you speak.

Another thing we all can do is to encourage schools and community agencies to develop programs to help adults learn Standard English. Books are written in Standard English, and schools teach in Standard English. Starting a child off right is important to his or her later success. Using a rich vocabulary at home will not only help your kids' speech development but their intellectual growth as well. We all have a keen interest in seeing black children develop a positive self-esteem in a society that doesn't always esteem them.

If you are a parent or caregiver who wants to understand the effect that language can have on someone's life, watch the movie My Fair Lady. All cultures discriminate against people who have not mastered the standard language, and when race is involved, it is much harder for a nonstandard speaker to feel competent or even at home in the culture.

Your kids are coming of age in a world that may be wary of them. They have to know how to navigate in that world. That's why Standard English is so important.

Thoughts on Raising Black Children in the United States

A positive self-concept is very closely linked with feelings of competence. It is well-known that children taught to cope with their surroundings have a better sense of self. Children who feel a sense of mastery or "fate control" in relation to the environment are less susceptible to feelings of inferiority. On the other hand, children who are overprotected and experience feelings of helplessness may not have a positive self-image.

Many black children have survived the hardships in poor environments because their parents helped to teach them independence and selfreliance. Because the public schools remain deficient and often poorly attuned to the needs of black children, black parents have a responsibility to educate their children throughout their development, and that responsibility begins with a long look in the mirror.

Reflect on your own self-image.
You must ask yourself, Am I ashamed of being black, or am I proud? You may feel inferior and believe most of the stereotypes about black people, and you may be passing these feelings along.

Copyright © 2007 by Bill Cosby and Alvin F. Poussaint, MD. All rights reserved.